Recharging.

Hello there. It has been a while. I really unplugged with my last post on this blog going live back in October, and I've only been sporadically posting on Instagram for the past couple of months. This is my first post of the new year even and it's already a few weeks in.

But this break has been needed in ways I didn't really know at the time I started it up. Honestly, I could probably keep it going for a while still but it’s time to plug back in and recharge. I know this is the complete opposite to what most people online do, normally everyone leaves for long periods of time not touching anything until they are ready. But I need a different sort of boost. I need a true creative outlet to help inspire me again.

When I started this blog that was its original purpose, until I added extra expectations onto it. I said I would post once a week which is much more of a mission than I thought and I put all sorts of pressure on myself to hit that target. It was no longer a creative outlet, instead it became another item on my to do list that has been following me around like an invisible beast that has been hunting me for months. It just added to the stress I was already dealing with.

2018 was a good year for me. I accomplished a lot on the outside; I became a manager, a blogger, a homeowner, a business owner. But there were also a lot of stressors going on outside of the social highlights reel. One of these things has been sitting as a draft in my blog for ages waiting for the day I finally finish it and post it. I came out of 2018 feeling exhausted on a whole new level, even my soul felt exhausted.

I just passed my six year anniversary of working in retail, something that started out as a way to earn money while I studied and worked towards what I want to do in my career. Now don't get me wrong, retail has been amazing for me and I am very good at what I do. But six years in a job that was only meant to be for the duration of a short degree? That is so much more than I initially signed up for. Cue, beginning of early life crisis number one.

Towards the end of last year I came to the realisation that I have been graduated for a year and a half now. Yes, it took me a moment or two to figure out whether I wanted a job straight away working for someone else or if I tried to start up my dream now, but I spent most of last year applying for any job in my area that came up in Brisbane. Anyone who has gone through this process for an extended period of time knows that the constant rejection and application process is exhausting.

And for me retail alone is not creative enough anymore. Working in my particular area as long as I have means I have seen literally everything so I don't get to get creative to problem solve issues customers have. My brain is an encyclopaedia of solutions to problems that come up in shopping for swimwear. I spent so much of last year trying to find a creative outlet that would work in with an already very busy schedule but I haven't been able to do any of it justice as I have rushed to try to get something done that I can point to and say "look I've still got it". Towards the end of the year I even started trying to experiment with photography, coming up with ideas for shots that I would love to do. But I missed my small window of opportunity nearly every time - especially if it was based around something in nature - because life was felt like it was moving too quickly.

I also did not make anywhere near enough time for friends. I have always been a very social person and this past year I found myself putting off making coffee and lunch plans with friends because I was too drained. I felt myself feeling less and less social as the year went on, as work got more and more stressful for whatever reason. Whenever I did get out and catch up with a friend I loved it and came home feeling renewed. But I often really had to force myself to get there in the first place. Feeling uninspired and drained made me feel like I wouldn't be able to be a good friend in the moment and that in turn would affect our catch up and lessen any connection. Which I know is completely not true, but it still left me putting off reaching out in the first place to catch up with good friends I probably only saw once or twice in the year.

And I am not completely out of any of this but I know how I want to recharge. I am starting slow, taking more moments for myself. Trying to live back in the now instead of racing ahead trying to preempt everything. It's a good quality as a manager to be able to look ahead and make plans like that, but in real life? It is exhausting.

I am taking timelines off my creativity. That means there won't be weekly blog posts and my Instagram will probably stay fairly sporadic. Using this approach in the last few weeks has already given me sparks of ideas and I have been able to take the moment to capture that. I have already found that it is so much easier to get exactly what I envisioned this way and it is so much more satisfying than trying to rush, and force something into being.

And I am making time for friends. Be it a quick coffee catch up or a long block of time, I want to actively seek out more time with those most important to me and keep up with everyone in real time. Not just on social media.

These are not resolutions for the New Year either. These are intentions that I fully intend to follow, with less pressure and no timelines. Because this is not just for one year, this is how I want to live my life.